Alana Sanborn

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY COACH

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Help yourself to these resources
in between sessions, or if you're curious about what it's like to work with me. Take your time, because this is a heavy topic and shouldn't be rushed.

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FIVE

TIPS AND TIDBITS TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH THE NARCISSIST IN YOUR LIFE

Having a narcissistic person in your life can be a living hell. Whether they are a spouse, a parent, a cousin, a coworker or a friend, they make you feel tangled up inside and like you are living in a trap.

These five pieces of wisdom can help you navigate these relationships, because understanding how this person operates and how to deal with it is key for your survival.

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Read my blog articles to learn more about narcissistic abuse and how to recover your life from its death grip.

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alanasanborn

Narcissism detector. Relationship coach & consultant. Reality check wizard.

Dealing with narcissistic parents is a lifelong tr

Dealing with narcissistic parents is a lifelong trial, and no one will understand quite what it's like unless they have been through it.

When your parent is a narcissist, you end up in adulthood feeling like you are missing some things.

Learn more in this blog article, which you can find on my website.
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#WakingUpFromNarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuseCoaching #narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcissisticParents #NarcParents #narcissisticabusesurvivor #HealingFromNarcAbuse

A narcissist takes up all the space in a room. An

A narcissist takes up all the space in a room.

And they will make you shrink smaller and smaller as time goes on.

The recovery is tough when you're trying to feel human again. Trying to feel important. Trying to remember who you are.

But recovery is very possible.

I'm here to help. 🧡
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #narcabuseawareness #WakingUpFromNarcissisticAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #HealingFromNarcAbuse #peoplepleaserinrecovery

Narcissists are expert liars (most of the time. So

Narcissists are expert liars (most of the time. Sometimes they're really bad liars, but they still do it excessively).

Lots of their lies are damaging, but the ones I talk about in this podcast are the very worst of the worst lies.

I sincerely hope you've never heard these lies.

Listen on your favorite podcast app.
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#NarcSurvival #NarcAbusePodcast #WakingUpFromNarcAbusePodcast #WakingUpFromNarcissisticAbuse #DivorcingANarc #HealingJourney #NarcAbuseHelp

One of the tricks a narcissist plays is to put all

One of the tricks a narcissist plays is to put all the blame on you for anything that is an issue (and even issues that are totally made up).

They can get away with this partly because you are susceptible to blaming yourself for stuff already.

Maybe you tend to take on responsibility for things and people that you don't need to, or you have been told all your life that you're the problem (scapegoat anyone?), or your insecurities are such that you tend to think you're a bother, a burden and just plain in the way.

Regardless, it's a nasty trick, and it's crappy that it typically works.

A lot of people come to me trying to work on themselves, which is great, but often the problems they're talking about are not their issue.

Their issue is that they tolerate people who are mean and manipulative.

Anyways, I just wanted to say to you today: It's not your fault. Truly.
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #WakingUpFromNarcissisticAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #HealingFromNarcAbuse #peoplepleaserinrecovery

If you've had a narcissist in your life at any poi

If you've had a narcissist in your life at any point, you've probably thought to yourself that they seemed really immature.

In episode 3 of my micro podcast I chat about this very topic: Why do narcissists act like children?

No offense to children, btw.

Listen on your favorite podcast app.
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#WakingUpFromNarcAbusePodcast #WakingUpFromNarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuse #Narcissist #NarcAbuseRecovery

iykyk . #healingfromnarcabuse #narcissisticabuser

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#healingfromnarcabuse #narcissisticabuserecovery #narcissist #narcabuserecovery #narcabusecoach

Victims of narcissistic abuse often mistakenly bel

Victims of narcissistic abuse often mistakenly believe they are the problem, a belief reinforced by the abuser.

It's the ultimate irony of narcissistic abuse—along with victims often being found guilty in a court of law, or in social situations.

In this blog article, I answer the question I hear so often: Am I a Narcissist?

(No, you're not.)

Find the link to the article in my bio.
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#WakingUpFromNarcissisticAbuse #narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #HealingFromNarcAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor

Once you've separated yourself in some way from a

Once you've separated yourself in some way from a narcissistic person, everything - LITERALLY EVERYTHING - they do to contact you is bait.

E V E R Y T H I N G.

If you have kids together, sometimes their messages/contact will be legitimate. But I guarantee you it won't need the kind of response you'll think it does at first. It won't be as pressing as it appears.

Other than that - they will find ways to get to you and it will be WEIRD. It will be uncanny. Creepy. Confusing.

You'll think it's not on purpose - but I'm telling you, IT IS.

Don't take the bait. It will come in all forms. You will think something is urgent, or not a big deal, or innocent. It's not.

I promise you.

Get a reality check from an outside person - like a coach, or a friend - and then respond (or don't) once you know how to not be baited into engaging with the narcissist.

It's not easy - until it is. And once it becomes easy, hallelujah! Congratulations!

Until then, get support often. More often than you think is appropriate or necessary. You got this.
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#HealingJourney #NarcAbuseHelp #NarcSurvival #Narcissism #NarcAbuse #DivorcingANarc

In episode two of my podcast, Waking Up From Narc

In episode two of my podcast, Waking Up From Narc Abuse, I discuss how I define the term "narcissist."

Yes, it's overused; and yet, I find it to be a helpful term in some ways.

Head over to my website to listen, or search for the podcast in your favorite podcast app!
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #narcabuseawareness #narcissisticabusesurvivor #HealingFromNarcAbuse #peoplepleaserinrecovery #narcabusecoach

They weren't there for you. They didn't pay atten

They weren't there for you.

They didn't pay attention when you spoke.

They never really understood you.

They took more than they gave.

The most powerful way to heal from these kinds of experiences in a relationship?

First, be witnessed and validated.
Explore and own your part.

And then?

Give yourself understanding.
Give yourself compassion.
Give yourself deep listening.
Give yourself what you didn't receive.

Give yourself
and give and give.

Never stop.
You deserve it all.
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#NonbinaryLifeCoach #FeministLifeCoach #HealingFromRelationships #BreakUpAdvice #ChildhoodNeglect

Narcissists aren't gonna change. You're gonna need

Narcissists aren't gonna change. You're gonna need to walk away to keep your sanity.

This is your sign to start the process now.

You've got this.
#narctok #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticparent #narcissist #narcissisticrelationship #narcissisticabusesurvivor

So, the honest truth is that when you are extracti

So, the honest truth is that when you are extracting your life from a narcissistic person, there will be fallout.

There are gonna be consequences - and most of those are going to be retaliation.

I've seen the worst of it. I've seen people sent to jail, accused of crimes, torn away from their children, their homes, reputations ruined in their community, losing friends ...

I sincerely hope none of that happens for you - but I also recommend you just expect something to happen. Expect that they will make this hard for you.

You may not be able to predict how or when, but at least you can know it WILL happen. And you will not be shocked by it.

It helps to have support. Find your people (some will go to the other person's side, sadly), find a coach or a counselor, check out some of the online communities (Reddit was helpful for me back in the day).

Don't be alone if you can help it.

And, most importantly, know your own truth. Stand by it. Have your own back.

I'm here if you need support.
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#NarcAbuse #Narcissism #CovertNarcissist #NarcAbuseHelp #NarcSurvival #HealingJourney #ConsciousCoaching #NonBinaryLifeCoach

Episode one of my micro podcast explores the quali

Episode one of my micro podcast explores the qualities of the older narcissist.

Are they less harmful as they age? Not necessarily...

Find the podcast link in my bio to listen.
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #NarcissisticParents #narcabuseawareness #NarcParents #emotionalmanipulationabuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #NarcAbusePodcast

Letting a narcissist fail is self-care. You didn'

Letting a narcissist fail is self-care.

You didn't create their consequences—THEY did.
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #NarcissisticParents #narcabuseawareness #NarcParents #emotionalmanipulationabuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #HealingFromNarcAbuse #peoplepleaserinrecovery #CovertNarc #OvertNarcissist #narcabusecoach #narcabusecoaching #Narcissistic #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuseSurvivor #NarcAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery

Image text: How to avoid dating a narcissist Tip

Image text: How to avoid dating a narcissist
Tip #1
Beware of coincidences, unusual things in common, uncanny similarities. The narcissist has either done their homework on you, or they are making things up on the spot to make you think you are alike.
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It's creepy, but it's more likely that they have been stalking you than that they have a grandmother who also is named Shirley and raised them since they were a baby.

Their first concert probably wasn't the same as yours.

They don't also love fettuccine.

They're just really good at making you think you are soulmates.
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #narcabuseawareness #emotionalmanipulationabuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #divorcinganarc #RecoveringCodepdendent #DivorcingANarcissist #DatingANarcissist #DatingPitfalls #DatingAStalker #StalkingVictim

Long after you’ve figured out how the narcissist

Long after you’ve figured out how the narcissist in your life ticks, or separated yourself from them indefinitely, the aftereffects remain.

Sometimes that looks like wanting to hide away when you feel triggered, like a little hermit crab.

It can look like not trusting people … not trusting yourself.

Second-guessing your instincts; being full of self-doubt.

Feeling less social than you used to be.

Convincing yourself you don’t need anyone, or that you are happy alone.

Healing from the pain of narcissistic abuse is possible but it's not an easy road.

I wish I could say it's all roses and chocolate, but it’s not. There are some potholes and thorns along the way, unfortunately.

But nothing—NOTHING—is worse than before you figured it out and got yourself free.

It’s all worth it to get out from under that spell and finally live.

Even with the hard moments ahead; I promise you it’s worth fighting for this life.

I’m here to help you, and so are lots of other people who have been there and get it.
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#NarcAbuseCoaching #narcabuseawareness #NarcissisticParents #NarcParents #narcissisticabusesurvivor #HealingFromNarcAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuseSurvivor #NarcAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery

Here is a non-exhaustive, in no particular order,

Here is a non-exhaustive, in no particular order, list of things I would consider deal breakers in a relationship.

1. They EVER threaten suicide and outright blame you for it, or imply that you are responsible.
2. They frequently criticize/ridicule things you do that are important to you...For example, putting down your cooking skills, teasing you about your fashion choices.
3. They make fun of something that is important to you, held sacred or dear, or is a vulnerable thing you have shared.
4. After you share something private or a previous trauma with them, they use it against you in a fight or in a condescending way.
5. They consistently insist that you need therapy or are crazy, while never seeking help themselves for their own issues.
6. They make efforts to isolate you from friends and family. This will happen subtly at first. It may begin with them making disparaging comments about your loved ones. They may make it clear that they don’t want to be around the people in your life, and you’ll increasingly step away from social and family outings in order to respect your partner’s needs.
7. They are suspicious of your behaviors and whereabouts even though you have given them absolutely no reason to suspect you of anything, and you are not doing anything wrong. (Meanwhile, you suspect they might be lying about something.)
8. They have strong opinions about what you wear, eat, do, or say.

What would you add to the list? I can think of so many more…
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#narcissisticabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #NarcissisticParents #narcabuseawareness #NarcParents #narcissisticabusesurvivor #HealingFromNarcAbuse #CovertNarc #narcabusecoach #Narcissistic #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuseSurvivor #NarcAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery

So often, narcissistic abuse survivors come to me

So often, narcissistic abuse survivors come to me with serious doubts about their own ability to choose people.

They worry that they are bad judges of character, they're bad at relationships in general ... they worry that they won't know if someone is "off" or not, and will make the same mistakes over and over again with dangerous people.

We survivors often don't trust ourselves.

The really hard truth is, we may make the same mistakes over and over again. Upon examination, they won't be exactly the same. You'll have learned something each time, and refined your ability to take care of yourself and discern who is safe for you and who isn't - and respond appropriately to that discernment (that's the real key).

AND, self-trust is not what we think it is.

We think we're supposed to feel totally solid about our ability to choose who we get close to, and to be able to tell when someone is going to manipulate us again. But we can't always do that, for whatever reason (the manipulation is good, y'all. Really skilled manipulators out there.).

What we CAN do is work on our trust in ourselves to SURVIVE whatever happens next. To pick ourselves up. To rally up a support system that helps us when we fall.

We can get better at trusting WE WILL BE OKAY.

This isn't some kind of willy nilly trust that makes us fall off a ledge like a lemming. It's trust combined with learning to listen to our instincts, and learning how to prioritize our own needs and instincts.

It's self-trust that allows us to fee like we can truly rely on ourselves and be there for ourselves NO MATTER WHAT.

Sure, we'll feel like idiot assholes if and when we fall for someone's BS again, AND, we can be compassionate, understanding and learn from the experience instead of just hiding in shame over it.

Self trust is about loving ourselves and having some faith in us to not be conditional with that love.

It's not about avoiding mistakes or being perfect. It's about being there to clean up afterward, every time, no matter how painful or tedious.

❤️
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#narcabusesurvivor #healingfromnarcabuse #narcabuse #narcabuserecovery #narcissisticabuserecovery #narcissisticparents #ConArtist #SelfTrust #Shame

Sometimes it takes a while, or a few tries to deta

Sometimes it takes a while, or a few tries to detach ourselves from the narcissistic person in our lives.

First of all, most of the time, they have helped to destroy our trust in ourselves. So, knowing how to feel about them, and what to do about our situation is tough. We don’t really trust our own judgment by that point.

And, they are usually incredibly persuasive.

And that persuasion can look a lot of different ways. In a spouse or romantic partner situation, it can be begging, pleading, hooking us in with sob stories, apologies and “realizations”.

They might make threats. Threaten to take the kids, take the money, ruin reputations, inflict harm, etc.

There are tons of tactics for getting us reeled back in under their control. And they may use each and every one of these tactics at different times with you. Even several in the course of an hour or a day.

It’s confusing, exhausting and, ultimately, feels easier to just fall back into a dynamic with them where we don’t have to fight.

And at least we know what’s coming. Sometimes the unknown with the narcissist is still preferable for our frazzled nervous systems than the unknown of life without the narcissist.

What I want to say to you, who have gone back and forth about disconnecting from the narcissist in your life, is this is a normal process.

If you imagine this process as waking up from a long, long sleep, you might get a better image of what it will be like.

Have you ever had a super long nap and woke up disoriented, not knowing what time of day it is, if you missed school or work, and where you even are?

It’s sort of like that. You have to take time to orient yourself, and fully wake up before you can move on to the next appropriate task in your life (even if that’s getting ready for bed because it’s nighttime now!).

So, give yourself time. But check in with people you trust regularly. Because you will need them to help you stay grounded, aware of what’s going on, and progressively more ready to make your situation better for yourself.

As always, I’m here to help - no matter where you’re at in your process.
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#narcabuse #healingfromnarcabuse #narcabusesurvivor #narcabuserecovery

Someone who is cunning and manipulative will do th

Someone who is cunning and manipulative will do their best to shrink you down as far as you can go.

You might hear yourself saying you're a shell of your former self. Or that you are dead inside.

The narcissistic person needs you to be small so they can loom large. It gives them more power and control over you and in general, and that is their goal.

Power and control help them experience what the rest of us would consider … happiness.

It is their twisted form of confidence and fulfillment.

As you feel smaller and smaller, they grow in size, becoming bolder, more outrageous in their lies, and taking bigger risks.

They will do this until there is nothing left of you.

But inside you are still there. It's not too late.

Need help getting out? Need help understanding what the crap just happened to you?

I’m here for you.
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#EmotionalAbuse #StopPeoplePleasing #FeministLifeCoach #Manipulator #PeoplePleaser #EmotionalManipulation #NarcAbuseCoach #Narcissist #NarcAbuse #NarcAbuseRecovery

When you have to or choose to keep a narcissistic

When you have to or choose to keep a narcissistic person in your life, you’ve got to define your limits with them.

I don’t mean you need to tell them those limits. I mean you need to KNOW those limits for yourself, and probably, in most cases, keep those limits to yourself.

Once a narc knows someone’s boundaries, they are likely to go out of their way to step, leap, jump over those boundaries as much as and as soon as possible.

It’s often best that they don’t know what you want or don’t want.

I know, this is fucked up because you are someone who needs to work on having well-defined, specific and explicit boundaries with people. It’s just … the narcissist is not the person to practice with.

We’ll find other people who are healthier that you can practice those boundaries with.

For now, I want you to know what your limits are so that you don’t have to do much thinking on the spot with the narcissistic person. When you suggest something, or they ask you something, know beforehand how far you are willing to go, and what you are willing to do with and for them.

And then, act accordingly.

When you have to decide in the moment, the manipulation can get to you and it’s hard to think straight.

Knowing ahead of time what you will and won’t put up with is key in these situations.

If you want to know more about what I mean, feel free to message me or set up an appointment to discuss your situation.
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#HealingFromNarcAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #narcabuseawareness #NarcAbuseCoaching #CovertNarc #narcabusecoach #NarcAbuseSurvivor #NarcAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuse

The narcissist owns you. But only the parts that a

The narcissist owns you. But only the parts that are helpful for them.

If you have an asset - it's theirs now.

And anything can be an asset. Your car, your business, your hobbies, your personality...

They will take it and make it theirs.

You'll start to feel empty and lost.

This is why the term "energy vampire" feels so accurate. They've sucked you dry completely.

But let's be clear - if they don't consider something an asset, they'll ignore it completely, or use it to hurt you.

If it doesn't benefit them in some way, it's just in the way.

And so you'll also feel discarded, useless, and weak.

And this is all part of why it's so hard to get out of these dynamics. You've been stripped of everything that makes you unique, strong, and powerful.

It's pretty hard to fight your way out of a prison when you've got nothing left.

I hope that you have some place or some thing or some relationships that are ALL YOURS. Ones that the narcissist cannot touch.

That will help you feel grounded, remember who you are, and also find support to end this dynamic.

Professional help is available too. Don't do this alone if you don't have to. 💙
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#NarcParent #CovertNarcissist #CodependencyRecovery #NarcAbsueCoach #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuseSurvivor #Narcissistic #narcabusecoach #narcabusecoaching #NarcAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcAbuse

Without venturing into victim-blaming territory, t

Without venturing into victim-blaming territory, there are some things many of the victims I work with have in common. Find out what it is in this blog article I've written.

You can find the link to my blog in my bio.
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#NarcAbuseCoaching #narcabuseawareness #narcissisticabusesurvivor #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuseSurvivor #NarcAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #Narcissistic

All of the people I coach are open-hearted, compas

All of the people I coach are open-hearted, compassionate people. They believe in growth and learning.

They see the best in people. They look for potential. They give relationships their all. They never give up.

Beautiful qualities ... UNTIL they are dealing with a narcissistic person.

These same qualities that are really lovely become their weak point.

These are the things that get them exploited, and staying in situations way too long.

I have to help them understand something really important about narcissistic people: They will never change.

It's not something that they are capable of. Truly. Sadly.

So, every bit of energy they direct toward counseling, or learning new communication skills is wasted energy.

Some people—I'm sorry to say—aren't capable of change.

Move on from that train of thought. Work on extracting yourself instead.

It's painful, but necessary.
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#HealingFromNarcAbuse #OvertNarcissist #NarcParents #narcabusecoach #narcabusecoaching #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcAbuseSurvivor #NarcAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcAbuse

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