I’m gonna cut right to the chase and just list these out! They are in no particular order.
- You feel uneasy around them
There’s just something about them that feels “off” to you. You can’t quite pinpoint it, and you feel doubtful, or like you are overreacting, but you can’t help but notice every time you are with them, something makes you feel a little nervous.
This isn’t the kind of nervousness that is pleasant, like butterflies in your stomach. This is a sense of unease. A spidey-sense that is sounding a tiny alarm bell in the back of your mind. You just feel like something is wrong.
If someone were to ask you what is making you nervous, you’d have a hard time describing it, and you might even feel really silly about it. But the truth is, you have been conditioned to notice everything around you at all times. You pay attention to facial expressions, the language people use, the way they gesture when they talk, little inconsistencies in their stories. And when you notice that things don’t always add up, you can’t help but feel a bit anxious.
This is your first sign that you are around someone who is pretending.
A lot of us who end up in these types of dynamics abhor small talk, fake people, and superficial connections with people. We tend to go deep with folks, get into intense conversations, and value authenticity over pretty much everything else.
So when someone is being even the slightest bit fake, we clock it. And we put it away in a box until we can be sure that we’re not just being judgy.
Why is this important?
You are a good judge of character despite what you might think about yourself. When you notice someone is being “weird,” that’s a very important observation. Although a lot of people in your life have probably convinced you that you can’t trust your own judgment or opinions, or that you’re too sensitive, etc., I’m here to tell you that’s all nonsense! Trust yourself! Your intuition is likely never wrong.
- You feel drained
When you spend time with them, you come away feeling drained from the experience. In some cases, maybe you feel elated or euphoric even, but later you might crash, and feel exhausted and even disoriented.
Something about spending time in their presence throws you off balance. It makes you feel ungrounded, unmoored, not quite settled.
If you’re someone who has typically been the giver in most of your relationships, this will be especially pronounced for you. You might have friendships you are just now realizing feel more like work than they do friendship. Imbalanced dynamics where you listen and run to their rescue in a crisis…meanwhile, they never ask you about your day, or remember important events in your life.
Maybe you’re finally burning out on this type of relationship. Maybe you are feeling used, discarded, invisible.
And really, really drained.
When people drain our energy and do nothing to try and replenish it, it’s not a reciprocal relationship. It’s not a healthy dynamic. Many of us learn this the hard way, and then have to try and end relationships where we feel we have sunk so much of our time and energy and love, and it feels really challenging to let go, and maybe even feel like a bad person for doing so.
Why is this important?
In an ideal world, we feel rejuvenated and uplifted after being around the people in our lives. This can’t always be the case, but when you are around people you are *actively choosing* to be in your life, they should be adding to your world, not depleting it.
If you notice you are consistently tired, need to recover after being around someone, PLEASE take this as a very clear sign that they are not healthy or safe for you.
- You feel crazy
I know we’re not supposed to throw around the word “crazy,” but truthfully, it’s one of the most common phrases I hear from people who are in these dynamics. They feel crazy. Or like they’re going crazy.
Here are some other ways to describe it:
- You’re often confused by their statements and their behavior. What they say doesn’t match their actions, and when you ask them questions, they deflect or turn things around on you, and you end up feeling confused and disoriented.
- You wonder if you’re forgetful or misremembering things. The person in question often tells you that “they never said that,” or that they did tell you something that you swear they didn’t. And you don’t know anymore if you are forgetful or if they are misleading you.
- You are full of self-doubt. Maybe they’re telling you that no one likes you, or they have convinced you that you make poor decisions. It’s making you second guess yourself, how you see the world, and how the world sees you.
The people in our lives are not supposed to make us feel any of these things. If you’re wondering what makes up a healthy relationship—check out my blog post about it, and compare it to the relationships you have in your life.
My wish for you is that you feel loved, supported, and appreciated by the people around you. If you don’t, something is wrong.
Trust your gut, trust your body, and listen to your feelings.
Hi. I’m Alana Sanborn, and my mission is to educate about narcissistic abuse, and help people heal from their experiences with a narcissist. I’ve helped dozens of clients understand narcissism, their own patterns, make positive changes in their boundaries, and recover from the manipulations of a narcissist in their lives. My approach is practical and strategic, while also providing comfort and validation for the emotional roller coaster that accompanies this type of healing. I come to this work from a long history of my own relationships with narcissistic people, and 20+ years of training and work as a mental health counselor and coach.