Let’s say you’re in a relationship with a lot of passion—your chemistry is amazing, and you have so much fun together. In fact, when you’re together, it’s like no one else exists.
You’re in your own little, special, magical bubble.
But sometimes, that bubble bursts big time.
Your partner insists they see your phone, even though you’re just texting your bestie. They say you’ve been acting different, when you feel like nothing has changed. Suddenly, they are enraged about random stuff from years ago—before you even knew them—and you are left feeling very confused. And possibly even guilty, but logically you know you shouldn’t, because you didn’t do anything wrong.
These are just a few examples, but I wonder if they sound familiar to you?
After they happen, things are tense for a while, and then your partner acts like nothing ever happened. And the magical bubble has engulfed you two once again.
You are so lucky to have them. They are the love of your life. No one understands you like they do. You are soulmates, twin flames, meant to be. You are the only person they have ever felt this way about…
Friends fade away, family becomes distant. The only thing that matters is this relationship. And making this person happy.
And making them happy becomes harder and harder, with more energy and effort than ever before devoted to keeping them calm. You hate it when they explode. But you also know it comes from a place of love. They just care about you and worry about you and love you so much that they get really upset about stuff.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
That right there.
You think love feels like being yelled at for being out too late, or for talking to other people on your phone, or for looking at someone else at a bar for half a second. You think love feels like them being hurt that you didn’t text them back soon enough, and ignoring them for an hour while you were at work. They’re only upset because they love you so much.
That’s love, right?
No. No, that’s not love. That’s the problem. You’ve been convinced that love looks like possession and control.
That is not what love looks or feels like.
There could be other, rather annoying clues, too. Perhaps they expect you to do all the chores in the relationship, or you have to pay for everything.
Maybe they bitch about all your friends and family, and say rude things about them, even when you’ve said it hurts your feelings.
Lots of relationships have toxic qualities, but you want to know if your entire relationship is one toxic waste dump, right?
You want to know if it’s worth salvaging.
Obviously, I don’t know you, and I can’t tell you yes or no, but I can give you some clues about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like so you can compare it to yours. (It should be noted that these qualities are written from a very Westernized perspective, and do not represent any particular cultures or religions, so they may or may not be applicable to you.) These are just a few qualities a healthy relationship can include:
Mutual respect—you both like each other, and are supportive of each other’s dreams, goals, and career or school efforts
Neither person is overly jealous. If there is jealousy, it’s spoken about with understanding and compassion on both parts.
No name calling during fights. Insults are not regularly thrown around.
Each person gets personal space, privacy and independence to make their own choices and do their own activities.
Positive and honest communication
Ability to resolve arguments without escalation or resorting to cruelty, yelling or violence
Each person takes responsibility for their own mistakes and doesn’t blame the other
You enjoy each other’s company
We could easily say that a toxic relationship is just the opposite of all these things. And that does hold true, but I’d like to add something a little more subtle that you might not be considering.
Instead of a list, or a quiz, or an easy answer, I might ask you to sit still for a moment, to picture your relationship with your loved one, and to notice what feelings come up, if any.
You might feel mixed emotions. You could feel awash in feelings of love and devotion. Maybe some anxiety creeps in when you picture them. It’s possible you feel dread. Fear.
I’m of the belief that you should never feel afraid of your partner. (There are some extreme situations that involve mental or physical health issues, and those are more nuanced situations.)
If you’re feeling afraid, or nervous, anxious around them a lot—that is your warning signal, and it’s coming from inside the house.
You are the one person who truly knows, somewhere inside you, that something doesn’t feel right.
That’s why you are reading this article.
You want some confirmation that you are right. Or, you are desperately hoping you’re wrong.
I hope this article has helped you, but I also really encourage you to approach someone you trust, who knows you well, and ask them how they see your relationship. If they only see you two smiling on Instagram, it’s not necessarily gonna be a helpful response from them. But if they know you both, or have heard your complaints, or seen changes in you, they may be able to give you an honest reply about their concerns.
When in doubt, please find a coach or counselor to talk to. And, most importantly, tell them the honest truth. If it sounds helpful, I do offer consultations, or brief coaching packages to make sense of a specific relationship. You can sign up for a free consultation session to start with here.
And don’t give them the Instagram version of your relationship. It won’t save you in the long run. Only the truth will.
Hi. I’m Alana Sanborn, and my mission is to educate about narcissistic abuse, and help people heal from their experiences with a narcissist. I’ve helped dozens of clients understand narcissism, their own patterns, make positive changes in their boundaries, and recover from the manipulations of a narcissist in their lives. My approach is practical and strategic, while also providing comfort and validation for the emotional roller coaster that accompanies this type of healing. I come to this work from a long history of my own relationships with narcissistic people, and 20+ years of training and work as a mental health counselor and coach.
