There is one main ingredient that most victims of narcissistic abuse have in common. It’s the incessant question of: Am I Good Enough? It’s a heavy, lurking question that hangs on nearly everything you do.
You may experience it as striving to do better, be nice to everyone, or help others. You think—and others think—you are being altruistic and kind, but underneath all your efforts, there is a shadow reason. And that’s where the Am I Good Enough question comes in. You are endlessly trying to answer that question, and you also deeply believe you know the answer, which is a gigantic and searing NO. You not only struggle with the question internally, but you’re also constantly looking for other people to confirm that you are good enough.
The trick is, you are not doing any of this consciously. You have a deep and core belief that you suck, and practically everything you do stems from this belief. It’s only when you delve deeper into your own behaviors with a coach that you will discover the Why behind it all.
When you’re seeking the confirmation that you are good enough, you’re not literally asking people, “Am I good enough??” you’re searching for their answer unconsciously through your behaviors. You do this by trying to please them and looking for their appreciation of you—and in more insidious cases, finding solace in being needed by others.
If this is you, you probably have a pattern of being relied on by others. And sometimes it feels like you are surrounded by people who take from you and never give anything back. Lots of people come to you with their problems, or lean on you in times of need, and for the most part, you feel gratified by this. But there are times when it does become a burden. You get tired. You are drained. You want to stop answering your phone or door or emails. You want to shut out the world and just rest. But what keeps you going?
You really don’t want to hurt anyone or disappoint them.
Deeper down, the truth is, you need to be liked, loved, and needed in order to feel worthy. A vicious voice inside you is always pushing you forward into other people’s fires in order to be the hero that extinguishes the flame for them, saves their lives in that moment. Because if you don’t rush into the flames, you are a terrible person. Even worse—you are a nobody. And we all want to matter. To be important to someone.
In Walks the Narcissist
The narcissist may be another person in need, who flocks to you as their savior (or so it seems). I’ll call this the Needy Narcissist. But they can also be your hero. The one who swoops in to recognize how tired you are, that you need to put your feet up, and helps carry the burdens you have been lugging around for so long (at first). You may feel so grateful for their arrival in your life that you overlook some minor things in the beginning that don’t quite feel right to you. When they arrive in your life as your hero, they are just who you have been looking for. They fill a gap in your life that you have been missing. This is the Noble Narcissist.
Are You Part of a Toxic Puzzle?
A narcissist can sniff out your yearning to be good enough and likable from a mile away. They may or may not consciously know that’s what they are sensing in you, but they can and will exploit it until there is nothing left of you. They are a puzzle piece that fits right into the notches of your internal wounds.
This doesn’t mean you are at fault for being preyed upon by a narcissistic person. In fact, the dynamic between you two might be an unconscious dance for both of you—meaning no one is at fault. It just is what it is. (Believe me, I know that’s a very unsatisfying conclusion to come to, but sometimes it’s the most honest interpretation of what’s happened.)
You are a caring, devoted, helpful and generous person.
They are a calculated, watchful, needy, stingy person.
They may or may not be able to help that they are built this way. For our purposes, it doesn’t really matter what’s going on under their behaviors. You will likely never know. (Another unsatisfying truth.) Somehow you have come together and what is created between you two is incredibly unhealthy and toxic. You both have strong unconscious needs, and those needs intermingle in a way that leads you down a very dangerous path.
When they approach you as the Noble Narcissist—the friend who makes you laugh and do wild things that make you feel alive, or the romantic partner who just gets you like no one else ever has before—they are seeing how vulnerable you are, and using that to gain access to your life. And they push their way further and further into your life in subtle ways, without you even realizing it. They are a parasite, sucking you dry while you are looking the other way.
Narcissists are compelled to test your niceness. They want to see how far you’ll go to keep them happy. The length that you will go to to be liked. To please them. To appease them. They have power over you, yet you might even think you’re helping them, or (in the case of the narc-as-hero dynamic) you might think you are lucky to be around them. They have convinced you that their life is important and exclusive and you are invited into a secret world that very few people get to experience. They make you feel special.
The Needy Narcissist looks like this:
- they have some kind of illness
- they’ve got money issues
- they seem lost and need guidance
- they say you’re the only person they can confide in about their deepest thoughts or secrets
- they have major drama with family or past issues with ex-partners, business colleagues or friends
- they’ve been victimized in some way
- they have drug or alcohol issues that impact their functioning
- they really need your help
The Noble Narcissist looks like this:
- they distract you from your life by whisking you off on adventures
- they say everything you want to hear
- they appreciate how hard you work
- they pamper you, tell you you deserve it
- they are quick to make others the enemy in your life if you complain about something. They go overboard with being “on your side.”
Two very different scenarios, and the end result is the same. You end up used, abused, drained of your time, energy, and sometimes money, and when they move on, you feel empty, bewildered, and so, so foolish.
And this is when you step way back from the experience and start to really, really look at yourself. You ask yourself, “Why did I fall for this person’s ruse? What is it about me that attracts people like this? How did I end up here?”
What Did I Do Wrong?
While you can explore these questions and learn some things about yourself (especially if you get help from a coach), you might come to realize that—like I said earlier—it just is what it is. Which totally sucks to hear. In fact, when you first start your recovery process, I believe it’s more useful to learn why it’s not your fault you got used and abused. But you probably won’t be satisfied with that track.
Instead, you want to know what’s wrong with you and how you caused this to happen to you. “Why did the narcissist take advantage of me? What is it about me that made the narcissist abuse me?”
In my next writing, I’ll be talking about why you get stuck on these particular questions, and why you blame yourself for narcissistic abuse. We’ll explore the twisted way that believing it’s all your fault the narcissist took advantage of you makes you feel better.
Until then, take care of you, and reach out if you want my help navigating your recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Hi. I’m Alana Sanborn, and my mission is to educate about narcissistic abuse, and help people heal from their experiences with a narcissist. I’ve helped dozens of clients understand narcissism, their own patterns, make positive changes in their boundaries, and recover from the manipulations of a narcissist in their lives. My approach is practical and strategic, while also providing comfort and validation for the emotional roller coaster that accompanies this type of healing. I come to this work from a long history of my own relationships with narcissistic people, and 20+ years of training and work as a mental health counselor and coach.
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